Hi! I’m back, potentially, hopefully, possibly, maybe. It’s been a rough few months. Have I mentioned that in every single blog post I’ve made in the past few months? Probably.
Stuff has just been sucking. I haven’t really felt motivated to do…anything. The depression is here in full force, and even though I’ve wanted to write and wanted draw or study or do literally anything, I just haven’t been able to. There’s been some severe executive dysfunction lately. Like, I’ll get home from work and I won’t even have the energy to dedicate to watching anime or playing a video game. I just flip through things on my phone for hours until I fall asleep.
And speaking of sleeping, wow, I have been sleeping A LOT. I’ve gotten used to my job for the most part, but it’s still really exhausting. I mean, it doesn’t feel like it should be exhausting since all I do is sit around and type, but it is exhausting. It’s 40 hours a week where I can’t really be Myself – I’m but a drone running pricing analysis and sales reports that I truly do not care about. Factor in the hour-long commute (both ways, so two hours total!), and that’s 50 hours a week where I barely exist. And if I have to go grocery shopping at some point in all that? Well. Then I’m beat. I will have used up all my spoons by the time I’ve gotten home, and it doesn’t matter if it’s 6pm or 9pm – I’m ready to go to sleep.
My one-year anniversary of this blog is coming up, and thinking about how little I’ve posted recently really bums me out. I feel like I’m doing the year-ago me a disservice – I mean, she was cranking out posts at least once a week! I’ve barely done a post a month, and not only have I barely written, I’ve also barely written about anime at all – all my past few posts have been rambles about the literal act of blogging, or rambles about how I hope to start blogging more soon.
Of course, this post is kind of a bit of both, so I’m not exactly kicking off in the way I want here…
I have been stopping in to read all of y’alls posts every now and then, though certainly not as often as I would like to. It’s always inspiring to see what sorts of things are being put out into the blog-o-sphere, but my readings are bittersweet – it entertains me and make me happy as I read, but then I immediately end up thinking to myself, “geez, I wish I was putting out this kind of content.” I read good posts, I get sad I’m not writing good posts, then I don’t write a post at all, I continue being sad, lather, rinse, repeat.
Part of the lack of motivation, too, is because my stats have been really low. There’s been a lot less reader interaction because…well, duh, there hasn’t been anything on my website for anyone to read! Writing, though I really enjoy it, is really only half the fun of the blog – the other half is talking to people. And if I’m not putting out stuff that can spark a conversation, then I’m not having fun. And if I’m not having fun, I don’t want to do it.
…but then I feel bad for not posting anything?? It’s a wild cycle! After all, blogging is supposed to be fun, so why would I do it if I’m not having fun 100% of the time? That’s been my conundrum lately, on top of my general sleepiness and exhaustion.
Well, luckily, Irina made a post on this very topic that helped me make a little more sense of these conflicting feelings. At the end of the day, even though the act of writing can be exhausting and might not always be fun in and of itself, the real joy comes from being able to point at your blog post and say, “Hey! I did a thing!”
And that’s what my sad and tired brain really needs – some sense of accomplishment, even if it’s from a short ramble-y post.
So far, I’ve forced myself to write this and that anime one-liners post. Not much, sure, but it’s a good enough start for now! I know it’s not time for New Year’s resolutions just yet, but maybe I could do a “New Blog Year” resolution? My blog-o-versary is Nov. 28th, so I still have some time to prepare…anyways, in an attempt to hold myself accountable, here are some posts that I hope to whip up soon:
- Why Everyone Should Watch Naoki Urasawa’s Monster
- Some Kind of Listicle Thing About The Different Musical Genres In Cowboy Bebop (obviously not an exact title there, lmao)
- Freestyle Rapping in Anime
- Morality and Death in Trigun (cuz I just finished the series and I took down A LOTTA NOTES!)
- Eventually I’ll Catch Up On Bloom Into You and write something flowery about it because I’m gay and in love with it (also not an actual post title lmao)
And, while I’m at it, here’s a bunch of stuff that I’m probably not going to do anytime soon, but they’re things I’ve wanted to do for a long time that I don’t want to forget about. Maybe if I put them down in list form I can will them into existence?
- Submit writings to other websites/zines/whatever
- Attempt all those photography projects I had ideas for
- Attempt all those video projects I had ideas for (including making goofy AMVs just 4 fun)
- Attempt all the art projects in general that I have outlined and just GIVE THEM A SHOT even if they turn out bad
- Eventually get my shit together and make a website to showcase all those projects (if I ever do them lol)
I don’t want to overwhelm myself with concepts and ideas and stuff, but at the very least, I want to get back into the groove with this blog. If I put together a backlog and can post weekly posts again (bi-weekly, preferably, but I don’t wanna overload myself!), then maybe the juices will get flowing and I’ll be able to pump out the other stuff I want to pump out.
It’ll be a bit of a rough start, and I’m still feeling pretty down, but I think that FINALLY setting some loose goals for myself will actually help me pull myself out of this funk. Plus, I have to keep telling myself that things will get better soon – I have better insurance now so I can actually get on some anti-depressants (can I get a big YEEHAW for that??????????!), I’m saving up money and have a clearer plan for next year to move out/have my own comfy space, and work will be slowing down soon so I should be less dead when I get home.
As always, thanks for reading along, guys. I might not have been posting/commenting much, but I haven’t forgotten y’all. I’ve still written a good 81(!) posts this year, and I wouldn’t have done that without encouragement and interaction. You make me feel like my voice is worth hearing 😀
Now let’s get these AWFUL BLOG STATS UP, BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!